A Very Covid Christmas

I had a blog post written that I was saving for Christmas. I planned on posting it earlier in the week, just in time for the holiday, but life happened and it threw me a little off course, so I decided to scrap that post and I will explain why.

First of all, I have to disclose that I have been battling a grinch tendency inside of me this year. I originally didn't want to put up a tree, exchange gifts, or anything that would remotely signify that my heart was anything but black. Last year was hard, so I wasn't going to let myself feel that pain again, right?

My original post was chronologizing the traditions that me and Mickey had established over the years. Those traditions had become my norm and last year I was left trying to figure out what my place was in everyone else’s holiday traditions. It was a hard year for me. I showed up to each function and the shell of me smiled and tried to carry on conversations and be “normal”. Everyone was so generous and went above and beyond to make me feel included, but I didn’t feel like I fit in the way everyone expected me to. I wanted to explain how I needed space and time, without expectation, to figure out my new role. That was the gist of the original blog.

Then Tuesday, four days before Christmas, I became ill with covid. Since then, I have had several days to reflect on what the holidays mean to me, even without Mickey here. Now that I am forced to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day alone, I realize that I may have been a little selfish in my thought process surrounding the holidays. It is true, a big piece of my heart is missing and it has changed every tradition that I have been a part of over the past 15 years. What I have been overlooking lately, is that although Mickey is gone, I still have so much to be thankful for. I am surrounded by the best family and group of friends that anyone could ask for. I may not feel like I fit in all of the time, but it isn’t for a lack of everyone trying their best to make me feel like a part of everything.

Covid has been tough and has nearly sucked the life out of me, but I can honestly say that something positive has come out of the sickness and loneliness I am experiencing this holiday season. I am truly grateful for all of the people who go above and beyond every day of the year, not just the holidays. I am searching deep within myself to try and make the best of my situation. I have people in my life who love me dearly and want me to be happy, therefore I am trying to look at the holidays through a different lens this year. I hope that I can open my heart to the new traditions that await. The holidays are hard and they probably always will be, but I have not been left to navigate them alone and I am glad I am able to see that now. Merry Christmas.