Anger Issues

It finally happened. After the 2 year anniversary of Mickey’s death, I found myself overcome with anger, an emotion that I have mostly remained free from during my grieving process.

The first anniversary was tough, so this year, I decided that going to work on Mickey’s death day would be the most natural thing to do. After much thought, I settled on the idea that I didn’t want the anniversary of his death to become an occasion that I dread every year. I would rather celebrate his birthday and our anniversary, remembering the good times and not make light of that one terrible day. Not everyone chooses to do this and I respect that and can understand, but not making it a “thing” is what I feel is best for me personally.

It worked for the most part. That day at work, I was with a patient, enjoying the small talk during her service, when she asked me if I was married. Without missing a beat I shared that I recently lost my husband, “exactly two years ago today”, I replied. Ok, nothing earth shattering happened. I was able to acknowledge the anniversary and continue our conversation and I was fine. This was a positive milestone in my opinion. After the work day was done I went out to dinner to celebrate a friend’s birthday. Once home, I realized that I had made it through the two year anniversary without any breakdowns. Without suppressing any feelings or avoiding the situation, I turned what could have been a day spent in bed filled with sadness, into an ordinary day, which was the goal all along. Progress.

Five days after the anniversary is Valentine’s Day. In all honesty, we never made a huge deal of the holiday, so for me, spending it alone was no different than any other day. I was feeling pretty positive that night about the progress I had made over the past two years. It’s kind of crazy how things happen. How you can move from positive to negative, happy and content, to your world being shattered. Valentine’s night, Dixie, my sweet Chihuahua, suddenly and unexpectedly became ill. The next morning I lost her, losing another huge chunk of my heart. All of the forward progress I had made was stolen from me in that moment, and I felt a shift from within.

That day, I felt an anger deep within my soul. I have never experienced anything like it before and frankly, it scared me. I hurt so bad that all I could think to do is physically let it out. I wanted to punch the wall. I felt like the hurt that I felt from within needed to be physically expressed. It seemed that everything I loved in life was slowly being taken from me. What had I done in life to deserve all of this pain? I don’t know if I was mad at God or just mad at life in general, but that day was one of the toughest I have lived through. It took me several days to process all of the things that were going through my mind. I have to admit that this was one of the lowest points in my life, but I am slowly climbing out of the hole once again.

The following weekend, my mom visited me and she made the comment that she was happy to see that even through all of the grief that I had experienced over the past two years, losing Mickey, losing two dogs, losing a close friend, and living through the stress of the Covid pandemic, I hadn’t become angry at God and she was so thankful for that. I guess once again I did a good job of hiding how I was actually feeling during that time because for a moment, I had been mad. I am thankful that I have a great support system and a strong faith because I can see how easy it would be to become bitter and angry. A person can only take so much heartache, I get it.

I know that there are people out there that have been through much more than me, I’m not looking for a pity party. For me, sharing the highs and lows that I experience help me feel more normal. We all have our struggles and I am one of the lucky ones. I have lost a lot in life, but I know that this journey of mine is not over. Hopefully, there is sunshine ahead for me. Regardless, I am grateful that I have the opportunity to see what lies ahead and experience whatever it is life has in store for me. I think that our experiences, good and bad, mold us. I personally feel that I have a deeper appreciation for life these days. I also feel like I am able to relate to and even connect more genuinely with people around me based on these experiences.