Immediately following my husband's death, there was a pretty significant period of time that I can’t really remember. For a while, I woke up and went through the motions. Breathing was the main focus of most days. If I could just breath, I was alive, even if I felt dead inside. I knew with time, this would get better, so I kept waking up and breathing. I consider myself a super organized person. I make a list everyday, to make sure I get everything done that I want to do. I also have a running grocery list. I keep notepads on the kitchen counter, beside the toilet, and on my nightstand. I don't want to have a thought and forget it, so I always write those thoughts down. After Mickey's death, even with the lists, I couldn't remember anything. I felt like my brain had turned to mush. For instance, one day I needed to pay bills and for the life of me I couldn't remember how to log onto my computer. It was the same password I had used for years, but I ended up having to call a tech company for help. There were items that I put away for safekeeping that I still haven't found to this day. As I would put something somewhere I would consciously think 'this is a great place to put this, I will never forget this because of "this"'. Boy was I wrong. Queue widow brain, "a term used to describe fogginess and disconnect that can set in after the death of a spouse". It was frustrating to say the least. Someone could tell me something very simple and it would feel like I couldn’t make sense of what they were saying. Apparently, this is a built-in protection mode that your body activates after trauma. I suppose it’s a good mechanism in a way, but for an over achiever like myself, it made it very hard to function. I don’t think I did anything during this period too out of the ordinary, but I definitely had my share of “oh shit” moments. Luckily, the duration of the mushy brain was short and I returned to my normal capacity within a few months. Unfortunately, there are a few items that I still haven’t been able to find, one being the key to a safety deposit box that I opened up during this period. Side note, I’m not 100% sure what I even put in that box. Hopefully I’ll jog a memory that will eventually remind me of these little details. Until then, I hope in my fog I hid a million dollars that I will eventually stumble upon!
Comments